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A word to the wise. - Spurked!

Feb. 14th, 2011 06:06 pm A word to the wise.

Who of you can say you actually know me? No one.

Who of you can say, HONESTLY, you've tried to know me? Very few. And if you think you're one of them, ask yourself if you are not lying to yourself. Knowing someone doesn't just mean XYZ. There are things out there that EVERYONE knows about me, and those things don't count. Let's get specific: when I give, do you reciprocate? Do you communicate to me, or assume I know everything cause, like it's right there on your journal? One of my peeves is someone who assumes everyone knows and cares about everything going on in their life cause they share an flist... though they never bother once to look past their own nose at people's lives.

And don't get me started on how impersonal journals are. Most of the people who I developed long-lasting relationships on line with communicate with me on a more personal level, they don't ASSUME that I am reading every word on their journal, glued to my screen for the next dramatic update. It's one reason I rarely post the truly personal stuff to my own personal LJ... for me, the nitty gritty details of my life are for more personal one-on-one time with the people I know who actually give a rat's ass. Not the whole world. But that is me, you may be different... still, don't you fucking dare hold it against people for having their own personal preferences in communication. The key to any type of relationship is personal communication and flexibility. When you neglect a living thing, and relationships are those, they start to decay. They will decay.

Personal. Communication. And flexibility.

I am a very giving and caring person. Usually, it's one sided. I give and give and care and care until... I shut down. Why? Well, usually when I ask myself: has LMNO even once expressed to me what I express to them? When I grieve/care/worry/mourn with them have they once done that with me? When I shut down on the person it's because the answer is NO. Not once in the YEARS that I worried and fretted and mourned and cared for LMNO did they also go the distance with me. I'm very selfless, but this past year I've learned that I MUST be at least a LITTLE selfish to preserve my resources. And because I deserve support and caring too, damnit!

I am going some where with this, I promise.

It's come to my attention that because I have decided to end Can Barely Hide AND openly mourn it's abandonment that some people, more than just one, think I am a selfish, non-understanding-of-life's-troubles, cold, bitter old cunt.

I can't begin to tell how that stung. Stings. Fuck you, none of you who said such shit to me even know me. Not a single one can honestly say you do. AND have you even bothered to see this from my side? No, you wouldn't. Why on earth would you- no one but QRS and CDEF have trouble in life, right? And I must have a perfect life since I never once bitch about the faults in it publicly, right? And I must the world's coldest bitch ever for not continue giving and caring and loving until I am an empty shell inside to someone who rarely, if ever, did the same for me even when she could?

I had a friend once who, for two years, watched her grandma suffer and finally die. Then, a month later, her good friend's grandma started to do the same thing. My friend extracted herself from that friendship. It just hit too close to home for her, she did not have the reserves to go through that again. Never mind that her friend hadn't been there for her... but now suddenly wanted a shoulder. A person can only take so much giving and never recieving. Can only take so much non-communication.

For those of the "she has more important things to worry about" variety... her response to my announcement about an ending, and to my mourning, was within HOURS of me posting it and was with fangs and claws and barbs. I understand having better things to think about, but she didn't once communicate this to me personally despite being online pretty regularly. And she sure seemed up to date on my seeking a shoulder about it. There was also once a time when she'd tell me numerous times that CBH was her escape from her life... so now it was just a chore? That just makes me feel awesome, I tell you what!

Comments screened to keep out the trolls and riff raff who continue to send me hate mail. (Thanks, Lily, that's just awesome of ya to cause that!)

ETA: I still mourn CBH. I still miss the friendship that obviously wasn't real. But the response to MY feelings on the matter, and the total lack of communication (no, just a big exploding bomb in my face) and understanding... has eased a little of the hurt by replacing it with something else... I am not sure what, yet. Anger, maybe. But not exactly anger... some relief is in there.

10 comments - Leave a commentPrevious Entry Share Next Entry


Date:February 15th, 2011 03:38 am (UTC)
As i was reading this it reminded me of several former friends who did nearly the same thing to me. We would roleplay and tell each other the nitty gritty of our lives but suddenly they both disapeared and i found out they were unhappy with a few things i did/said. They never told me that in person and i had to learn it from my other friend of the roleplaying group several years later. I'm still bitter over it because they used me a doormat and shoulder to cry on and when i needed someone they had better things to do.

I'm sorry i never really got to know you but i'm still dealing with avoidance issues and anger toward getting to know people online. I even had a guy try to date me online/long distance and then send me naked pictures, not exactly the best way to get me over my issues. I hope what you fill the empty place with is something constructive and that helps give your anger an outlet that doesnt eat you up inside.
Date:February 15th, 2011 03:49 am (UTC)
Oh bb, hearing you say that... god, what is it with people? I can relate. It seems most of my own relationships are one-sided. I give, and they take. When I need, they have something more important to do. And sometimes when I call them on it, they lose their shit and just show they have no clue.

I've seen you around for a long time, you are a comforting sight now and then so no need to apologize. I know what you mean and how you feel about developing friends online. I also had a 'net stalker, he'd text me such inappropriate and uneducated shit.

I'm not going to let this eat me up. I've let it control me long enough but now that I've seen some true colors... hell, I'm still in shock and reeling from that email, but I think I can finally, finally let this go and move on. I just need to give Cloud the ending he deserves first. That's in about 20 or 30 chapters though so I have time to think about it.
Date:February 15th, 2011 03:42 am (UTC)
I'm going to hope like heck this gets through...I've been battling a crash for hours and am just now getting this beast back.

Babe, I have to wonder if some people have to 'look good' or have the last word no matter what. If these people mattered, they would have been there all along, rather than stringing along and not having the good grace to simply leave. I'm still glad you decided to continue, rather than sitting among the wreckage and waiting forever for someone who didn't care until you dared to stand on your own. Guess what? You're *still* standing...and moving on. *hugs*
Date:February 15th, 2011 03:57 am (UTC)
Oh no, I hope your beast is okay!

you are right... people seem to have this last-word thing. And you make an excellent point, she didn't seem to give on iota until IMMEDIATLY after I announced an ending on nigh. Then she blows a fuse about it... yeah, I don't really believe she truly cares or she would have said or done something way way before this. She could blow a fuse but not take the time to give me any updates or replies or ANYTHING about anything? This is just her guilt, and their fanaticism, manifesting as anger.

And yes- in several points of CBH's life she'd rave how much she depended on CBH for an escape from life. Somewhere along the line it stopped being an escape and started being a chore. Or she would have said something, I would think.
Date:February 15th, 2011 06:59 am (UTC)
What can I say but that I understand so well what you are saying. I don't think I can count the times I have given and given only to get nothing, often to simply be abandoned, taken advantage of or seriously stabbed in the back. It is sad because I want to give, but I have to be so much more careful now just to protect myself; how much more can I give before it destroys me?

I'm really sorry this has had to end up so bad for you and that you have been treated so badly because of it. I know that I don't know you well, it was mostly this story that brought me here in the first place, but when I heard you wanted to end it I accepted that, you have the right to decide that if it is what you need to do, we have no right to demand more from you. It is always sad when something good must end but that is life, things need to end so that something else can begin. Its really too bad this ending has had to cause you so much pain but I hope a bright new beginning is lying in wait for you!
Date:February 15th, 2011 04:03 pm (UTC)
You make an excellent point- just how much can someone give and never receive and suffer for it until they are destroyed? it probly depends on the person, but I bet it doesn't take very much towards the end there.

Id love to continue it, don't get me wrong. But not on my own, this was a collaboration from the start and should remain so. So, that leaves me no choice but to creatively come up with my own end for Cloud here. I still have maybe 20 or more chapters to post and once I come to the last replies between me and Lily I will then carefully read the last few chapters and make a decision on what kind of ending Cloud and Reno and whoever else is there deserve.

Thank you for your understanding, I have a feeling others will come around once they cool their heads and open their minds to see this from my perspective.
Date:February 15th, 2011 08:39 am (UTC)
Replying anonymously to protect myself. I don't know you very well at all but I wanted to comment.

Writing with someone else can be such a wonderful experience on one hand, but on the other can be such a minefield of emotions. I have two rp partners and yeah... we've all had wars but luckily the stories and surviving so far, as are our friendships. Not by much though. My rp partners used to be best friends who now hate each other. They both don't want me writing with the other, and unfortunately, all the drama has put me off rp'ing with anyone else. It's so very hard to keep up friendships when drama is the main thing some people cling to... they prolong it, act like children and don't just spit it out when something is bothering them. And then they go and bitch to everyone else about it while I sit there oblivious going... what?... It's strange how someone you feel so close to one minute can just turn on you so fast, and yeah, it definately puts a person off taking on anymore friends or rp partners.

I am so very sorry that things have turned so bad for you with this. I admire your strength in continuing on with the story and not bowing to the pressure and attacks though. As writers it is normal for us to mourn when a story is left unfinished and kudos to you for finishing it anyway. If your writing partner has lost interest than that is her loss and she should be more graceful in handing it over to you if you wish to complete it. If she is having a hard time than fare enough but to attack you because you wish to complete the story seems very childish to me. I don't know all the details of what happened, so maybe I should just shut up, but I figured since others see fit to attack you without all the details, I should be able to support you in the same way. Stay strong and keep your chin up.
Date:February 15th, 2011 04:17 pm (UTC)
Understandable, though I am not one to troll others journals unless they've gone wayway too far and are publically slandering me on their lj. ;)

You make a good point about drama and clingers. This story isn't entirely related to the abandonment of CBH but a smidgen of it is so: I have this person in my life, and not on the 'net, who I have known for under 2 years and there are a few things about her that an exfriend told me has never changed, that she has always been this way: everything is always about her and her life is always so sucky. After you know her for a certain amount of time you stop sharing because she will one-up you and you stop caring because she can never see any of the good in anything. It becomes draining to constantly be bombarded by these two things.

I'm sorry to hear about your own friends. I've had a few partners like that though I've never been caught between them. I can't imagine how that must be. I won't let any partner deter me from finding more. I have two other Reno partners and they are wonderful, I never thought id find writers for Reno who are up to par with Lily but I did and I find myself so incredibly lucky for that as she's def one of the best.

I don't know the whole story either, just that I started to get these hate mails around the same that Lily sent hers, and all of them express the same thing. Coincidence... I doubt it. So I spoke out here to tell my side and it's hard to keep the venom out of my words when I was met with such hate. I keep remembering the good times and these emails seem so surreal when I do. :(

Chin is up, bb, and thank you.
Date:February 15th, 2011 09:32 am (UTC)
Hmmm, good to get the other side of things. I think I jumped in when I shouldn't have and for that I apologise.
Date:February 15th, 2011 04:19 pm (UTC)
It's a human thing to do. Thank you for reading my side.