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The struggle for emotional freedom... advice? - Spurked!

Feb. 16th, 2011 09:51 pm The struggle for emotional freedom... advice?

Fuck it all. Everytime this week I have set down to write some yaoi for Reno/Cloud with my two amazing partners. Or to write on my Inception fanfic. Or even to do some felting with needles and wool. I am overcome by loss and sadness and anger and a longing for what once was.

I sit here for hours with my RP windows and fanfic windows open and... nothing. Just this pining grief. I am so sick of it. She does not deserve this power over me damnit.

I haven't drank anything for eons... tomorrow a friend has asked me to drive her to the store for groceries. I think instead of dropping her off to run off my own errands I will go inside with her and get something. I've NEVER EVER used booze to loosen the creative strings but it's worth a shot... the reason I never have is I know that artists are sometimes the first to succumb to this dependency of alcohol, for several reasons. I see it all the time, we are an emotional and dependent bunch.

But I am desperate to move on. I hate this grief and mourning that makes me cry every night now over this. Though I know a HUGE part of it is the yearning to finish posting chapters... many of which still need to be logged and require going email to email to email to copy and paste each reply into a .doc. That is the hardest part, especially if any have "ooc" notes in them. It's like reading old letters from a loved one.

There's also that tiny part of me that always lets people walk all over me saying shit like: what if I could have done more, been more supportive, just waited another year (or five), tried to encourage her imagination by doing something, etc. etc. I hate this part of me the most cause I have thought the ending of our relationship and our fanfic through a great deal and frankly, no... I was enough. More than enough, as I said in my Word to the Wise post. All I needed was a nod now and then to keep being that enough too, but even cactuses die from no water.

If there was one good reason to put off the inevtiable end to Lily and I it would have been my own emotional state and the own crap I am privately going through in life. I didn't need this extra crap added onto all of that... and being ignored hurt a lot less than what this break up feels like.

Damn, just almost got into a spat with this guy:
http://community.livejournal.com/found_objects/3961613.html
Yeah he was offensive and others jumped in to defend me, but then we kissed and made up... and honestly, had I been in another mental state I might have just b/tard'ed him and had a good chuckle with him instead of what I did reply with.

I know others come here and really relate to my posts about CBH/Lily and they post their own stories to let me know I am not alone. For those who relate, on any level, to this post and the others: do you have any advice on coping methods? Any advice how to get my creativity out of the pile of grief?

Comments not screened... don't make me regret that. :(

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Comments:

From:vinvalenwind
Date:February 17th, 2011 01:12 pm (UTC)
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Oh, babe...*hugs you tightly*
You're exactly right...booze ain't the answer. You're so much better than that! Besides, it makes necessary meds do strange shit to folks, okay?
Don't expect not to second-guess yourself-it *will* happen. But, on the other side of that are the ecact things you've said here. You *were* enough! So no woulda/coulda/shoulda...it'll make you crazy. (been there, done that)
If there ever was a 'truism' its that we write what we know. Channel it, move it outside yourself, let your character say what wants out so badly...something you're damned good at doing. Gonna be here babe...whenever you're ready. *hugs more*
From:(Anonymous)
Date:February 17th, 2011 02:20 pm (UTC)
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It's me the spineless anonymous poster again...

The grief and mourning, while a pain in the ass, are something you need to do to heal. You have lost something very important to you and you need to release all the pain that comes with that, although I do understand that it just gets frustrating when the pain doesn't ebb away and keeps eating at you... even more so when the person involved doesn't deserve it. Then the anger starts and mixes in with the grief and ug... it's nightmare material.

With the unfinished fiction, you really only have two choices. Buckle down and suffer through it until it's done and gone, or just drop it altogether. Both will be hard and hurtful though... kind of a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. The only other thing I can think of is, if there is a good friend out there who could go through the emails for you, and just copy out the story so you don't have to suffer through the "ooc" notes in them that will cause you more pain that you just don't need right now. Limit the damage a little maybe...

The worse thing you can do to yourself right now is start second guessing the whole thing with the maybe if I did this, or maybe if I tried harder stuff. Yeah, it's easier said than done, but you really have to be kind to you right now. The fact this is hurting you so much shows that you cared and I'm sure you tried to keep things working because you cared so much. In any kind of relationship, both people have to put in the effort. If only one is trying to hold it together, it doesn't matter how much they try if the other person is doing nothing. You deserve better than that... you deserve equal effort and equal caring.

Coping methods? Shit... I'm probably being the worlds biggest hypocrite right now, but try not to drink. I do it, too much, to try and cope and honestly, it doesn't help at all. It makes it all worse, in my experience. Yeah, the pain fades for a little while as the alcohol takes over but afterwards you feel twice as bad about it all. And when drunk, you just cry more and could maybe do something stupid you would regret later... god knows I have.

I find stepping away for a while helps. Taking a week off the internet and just doing anything else for that time can sometimes ease the hurt and help to take the edge off. Channelling the pain into fiction is an amazingly thereputic thing... I've written some horribly depressing stories while working through pain from friend dramas online and it made me feel better at the time. The last one I did was tragic... lol... it helped me to express the way I was feeling at the time though and was part of my own healing process. Whether you ever post it up, or just keep it for yourself doesn't matter. Sometimes just putting other characters into your place and writing it out can help you to get past the worst of the hurt.

I hope something out of all my ravings above helps. What you're going through is hard, but know that the pain does ease with time... you just have to hold on and try lots of different things until you find what works for you. Good luck.
From:nightangel_jai
Date:February 17th, 2011 06:35 pm (UTC)
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Wow, coping methods, that's a really good question, one I have dealt with often and find myself dealing with again right now too. I definitely don't recommend alcohol, even if by chance it helps a bit it won't last. It is much more likely to do more harm than good. I rarely drink and if I do it is always very limited because for me alcohol will just make things so much worse and the results are really not pretty.
What I think you should try for a bit is just some pure distraction. Find things that you can enjoy that are not too directly connected to your problems. Step away from your usual creative efforts, explore other activities and interests that can keep your mind busy but (hopefully) freer from the things that haunt you. In my case, I used to lose myself in videogames, action movies, anime and manga. These days I'm trying to work out, read more, study my Japanese, and get back into music and dance, I've been spending too much time doing nothing at home, I think I need to get myself up and moving before all my problems completely weigh me down.
If you really want to write something, try something totally different than you might normally do, a different genre or even just write nonsense. I think you might need to step away from what your normally do, clear out your head, reset yourself, before getting back into things. Sometimes that's what it takes, a break. Don't push yourself, don't give yourself some kind of recovery deadline, you have to let yourself find your own path to healing and it can take time and effort and experimentation, unfortunately there are no easy answers to this. Things like alcohol or drugs of any kind are relatively easy to do but it isn't going to solve anything, if you're lucky, it can only offer a very temporary balm.